How To Feel “normal” On The Inside?

I don’t cognize who to stock this with..some days it feels large immoderate days precise low..today is 1 bash those days..

I shared different thread successful the greeting astir manner but that was successful a bully moment.so delight don’t link that

now I consciousness the below..grew up successful a associated household and my dada was an alcoholic and helium ne'er guided maine erstwhile needed

Mom is simply a saccharine housewife but ne'er got bully guidance from parents

I mislaid my involvement successful studies aft 5th( utilized to beryllium a apical ranker) and honestly successful India if you are not a bully pupil it affects different aspects of life

Other kids won’t see you

I had a terrible inferiority complex

Teachers humiliated maine successful school

Infact I erstwhile ran distant from location and the full schoolhouse came to cognize and I was a laughing stock

In assemblage a miss severely bullied maine for theee years

Boys didnt find maine beauteous astatine that property and bluntly insulted to my face.

I was truthful frightened of radical and took everything personally and beingness sucked

Infact I was traumatized and 1 of the reasons to tally distant from India was to beryllium distant from radical ..

Anyways I got joined and came to the USA

Husband is simply a bully feline and practical

My relatives determination were toxic arsenic they couldn’t grip maine enjoying beingness traveling etc and thought I would magnitude to nothing

They ever teased my homemaker presumption and captious of maine with thing I bash oregon the mode I looked

I past tried to find a occupation retired of adjacent unit and ended up with horrible colleagues and bosses and everything was stone bottom

I adjacent got verbal sexually harassed

Anyways each this affected the mode I look astatine relationships and friendships

Now aft 20 years I person a occupation which fundamentally wage but I emotion it and americium precise bully successful gym (as it helps my anger) and got yoga

I told my hubby and explained to him that I person a fantastic enironment successful office.He said “what you said is mean situation and not wonderful” and helium felt atrocious for me..

However I inactive don’t consciousness mean inside

I ne'er had steadfast friendships and until present perpetually been astir arrogant women oregon I pull them oregon I don’t cognize erstwhile to locomotion retired ..

bluntly speaking I don’t cognize what to tolerate and what not to oregon however much..
I don’t adjacent cognize the quality betwixt bullying and teasing yet.I sometimes adjacent instrumentality bullying arsenic teasing which is what my hubby said and helium has rather helped maine from immoderate situations.

My vicinity ladies called maine for mates nightouts and I refused..they look bully but..

Am truthful scared

What if they bully me?
What if I consciousness trapped again?
What if americium not capable to get retired of the group..
Will it impact my kids?

Stuff similar that

I don’t privation to unrecorded this way..

I look mean connected the extracurricular but americium aggravated coz I americium idiosyncratic who should person been good educated and beryllium capable to grip relationships..
My interior kid isn’t healing yet..I person progressed but I privation to consciousness normal.

How bash I consciousness atleast mean connected the inside.I don’t privation to consciousness bully but consciousness normal.

I privation to speech to radical normally.I privation to judge them and I privation to stock mean talks with others.

Some radical deliberation I don’t mingle coz americium arrogant but they don’t know…